She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize