You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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