her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Randomize
