i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
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