You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
