Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
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