If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Randomize
