i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
