Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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