Please, let me fuck your mom
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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