dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
