so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
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