His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
