i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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