I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
I showed him my bush... on skype.
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Randomize
