got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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