no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Randomize
