You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
