That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Randomize
