god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
my liver is dry heaving
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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