You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
