Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
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