My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
