i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
