Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
