apparently the secret to your success is patron
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Randomize
