One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
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