I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
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