I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Randomize
