dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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