I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
I have so many feelings about this burrito
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
