He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
Randomize
