So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
