I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
