I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
