Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Randomize
