FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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