the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
