so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
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