He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
