I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
