Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
Just invented taco cereal.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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