: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Randomize
