i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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