He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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