You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Randomize
