I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
