New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
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