I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
