the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Randomize
