My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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